| 1 |
Steal a man’s wallet and he’ll be poor for a day.But teach him to play an instrument and he’ll be poor for the rest of his life. |
| 2 |
After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me she’s pregnant.She has the worst stutter ever. |
| 3 |
What do French people call marijuana?Oui’d. |
| 4 |
What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?..............Timing. |
| 5 |
I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.I learned next to nothing. |
| 6 |
Did you hear that Johnny’s girlfriend is the square root of -100?A solid 10 but imaginary. |
| 7 |
The employee called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” The boss exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”The employee said, “Really?! Thanks, boss, see you next week!” |
| 8 |
Have you become seriously depressed?Try drinking a gallon of water, just before you go to bed. That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. |
| 9 |
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son has been telling lies.”“Well, he’s bloody good, I ain’t got any kids,” I replied. |
| 10 |
Waiter: “And how would you like your steak prepared?”Me: “Guess”Waiter: “Medium rare?”Me: “Well done”Waiter: “Uhhh..” |
| 11 |
What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings?Any dog, buildings can’t jump. |
| 12 |
As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself.“Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.” |
| 13 |
“Son, I heard you got punished for saying the ‘F’ word in class. That wasn’t fun was it?”“NO dad, it was f*ck.” |
| 14 |
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?Diabetes. |
| 15 |
Why do dogs float on water so well?Because they are good buoys. |
| 16 |
I hate my job. All I do is crush cans all day.It’s soda pressing. |
| 17 |
Did you read the list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”?Quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them. |
| 18 |
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 4.It’s simple meth. |
| 19 |
Did you hear the man who invented the USB port died?At his funeral they lowered the casket…. then raised it, turned it around, and lowered it again. |
| 20 |
Did you hear about Piano?It is one of the hardest instruments to pick up. |
| 21 |
I asked my girlfriend to describe me in five words. She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect!Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces. |
| 22 |
What gender pronouns does a chocolate bar use?Her/she. |
| 23 |
Why does the military wear uniforms?To minimize casual tees. |
| 24 |
My rescue dog has no legs, so I named her ‘Cigarette’.And every night we go out for a drag. |
| 25 |
What is a pirate’s favorite element in the periodic table?Gold. Why would a pirate need Argon?! |
| 26 |
Just lost 20% of my couch.Ouch. |
| 27 |
What is the opposite of Microsoft Office?Megahard Onfire. |
| 28 |
Bought a new sofa yesterday. The assistant told me it would seat 6 people without a problem.Now, where am I going to find 6 people without a problem?! |
| 29 |
Did you know the swordfish has no natural predators to be afraid of?Except for… the penfish, which is thought to be mightier. |
| 30 |
What do you call if a guy named Doug makes a u-turn?He becomes a guy named Dong. |
| 31 |
My son proudly showed me his report card and shouted, “Dad, I’m so happy! I got a B in reading!”I sighed, “That’s a D, idiot.” |
| 32 |
Have you heard about a business selling prayer mats which are also trampolines?Prophets are going through the roof. |
| 33 |
Do you know that “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing?Except at a funeral. |
| 34 |
What’s the worst thing about a bad dad joke?The second you hear it. |
| 35 |
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree wasn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.But it’s definitely up there. |
| 36 |
What does the existence of shampoo imply?The existence of shampiss. |
| 37 |
Anything recommended by a stoned person is highly recommended. |
| 38 |
What do you eat when you’re cold and angry?A brrrrgrrrr. |
| 39 |
What do you call a person who is happy on Mondays?Unemployed. |
| 40 |
If you sin 90 times, do you know that you’ll only get caught 50% of the time?Because sin90 = cot45. |
| 41 |
Most people think T-Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms.But it’s really because they’re dead. |
| 42 |
Batman: “Alfred, please fill up the bathtub.”Alfred: “What’s a htub, sir?” |
| 43 |
Did you hear about the business these young men started where they weighed microscopic objects?It’s a small scale operation. |
| 44 |
I wanted to extend my appreciation to the inventor of the concept of “zero”.Thanks for nothing. |
| 45 |
A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, “Why am I here?”“For drinking.” replies the officer.“Great!” slurs the man. “When do we start?” |
| 46 |
The water asked the sand if it could touch it.The sand said “Shore”. |
| 47 |
The hardware store was selling 50 ft of rope for $1, but I refused.I hate long good buys. |
| 48 |
What’s made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?A shoe. |
| 49 |
In laughter the L comes first.The rest of the letters come aughter it. |
| 50 |
Patient: “Doc, all 5 of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!”Doctor: “Wow! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.” |
| 51 |
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments. |
| 52 |
What do you call If prisoners took their own mugshots?They would be called ‘cellfies’. |
| 53 |
What kind of fish is made from only two sodium atoms?2 Na. |
| 54 |
Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.I don’t think I can ever repay you. |
| 55 |
Why is the Sun so smart?It has a lot of degrees. |
| 56 |
What is Emma Watson’s full name?Emmamentary Mydear Watson. |
| 57 |
A father in Iran gave his daughter a new bag.She said,” Thanks for the Baghdad.” |
| 58 |
I saw a robbery at an apple store today.The police interviewed me because I was an iWitness. |
| 59 |
During his wedding, my friend called me the worst best man he has ever seen.I was speechless. |
| 60 |
A woman said to her husband “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”So he took her to dinner and a movie, and dropped her off at her parents’ house. |
| 61 |
The adjective for metal is metallic.But not so for iron, which is ironic. |
| 62 |
What do you get when you google how soldiers march?Information. |
| 63 |
Imagine if Bill Gates got crushed to death by the gates on his property and there was a massive scandal about it.The media would have to call it “Gates’s gates-gate” |
| 64 |
What is the opposite of a stand-up comedy?A sitcom. |
| 65 |
Why don’t bad dad jokes ever get lost?Because they always follow you home. |
| 66 |
What should you do if you are addicted to seaweed?Sea kelp. |
| 67 |
I angered two people today by calling them hipsters.Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins. |
| 68 |
Did you hear about the kid who just discovered he has a low IQ?He’s dumbfounded. |
| 69 |
We named our child JKMN.Prounced as “No L” |
| 70 |
Who’s the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA?The Make-A-Wish Foundation. |
| 71 |
An antonym for synonym is antonym.But a synonym for antonym is the opposite. |
| 72 |
When Miley Cyrus licks a sledgehammer, it’s called “art” and “music.When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “have to leave Home Depot”. |
| 73 |
According to ancient Japanese lore, a person’s aura takes a particular colour right before they die.Cyan aura. |
| 74 |
Your family tree is a cactus.Because you’re all a bunch of pricks. |
| 75 |
Do you know what is a thief’s favourite metal?Steel. |
| 76 |
Can someone remind what actor played Forrest Gump?T.Hanks in advance. |
| 77 |
The genie asked, “What’s your first wish?”Steve replied, “I wish I was rich!”The genie nodded and said, “What’s your second wish?”Rich exclaimed, “I want lots of money!” |
| 78 |
Why were the Dark Ages so dark?Because there were so many knights. |
| 79 |
What is the color of the wind?Blew. |
| 80 |
Did you hear about that guy who made a company that removes adverbs?It’s taking off quickly. |
| 81 |
Who gets sent to fix a black hole when it breaks down?A quantum mechanic. |
| 82 |
Do you know that Korean singers don’t say “Yes daddy”?They say “K pops”. |
| 83 |
What do you call a bad dad joke that’s also a dad?A groan-up. |
| 84 |
Cop: You are arrested for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.Me: Wait! I can explain everything. |
| 85 |
People have often asked me why I wanted to become a film editor.Well, to cut a long story short. |
| 86 |
Why do the sharks feed pineapples to the people lost in the sea?Because it makes sea men taste better! |
| 87 |
A boy watches a movie about a mad scientist dooming the world. He then goes to his father’s lab and smashes all his petri dishes and test tubes.The dad finds out and says, “Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed one!” |
| 88 |
Dated a girl who was obsessed with the gym.It didn’t work out. |
| 89 |
Yesterday I got in a fight with 1,3,5,7, and 9.The odds were not in my favor. |
| 90 |
What do you say to a hit man who’s paid in chicken that fails his mission?No harm, no fowl. |
| 91 |
Police have finally caught a serial killer with a bad stammer.They said it will be a while before he finishes his sentence. |
| 92 |
Why are sine waves not cosine waves?Cos sine waves are different. |
| 93 |
I have bad news and good news. Yesterday, my obese parrot passed away.The good news is that it’s a lot of weight off my shoulders. |
| 94 |
What’s the most popular spice in hell?Sinnamon. |
| 95 |
The Invisible Man married an invisible woman.The kids were nothing to look at either. |
| 96 |
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?An irrelephant. |
| 97 |
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes.Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years but they’re having a really hard time putting their case together. |
| 98 |
What are agents in the CIA called when they go to sleep?Undercover. |
| 99 |
What is a square root?Whatever you find under a box tree. |
| 100 |
What’s blue and not very heavy?Light blue. |
| 101 |
What do you call a dinosaur that is made out of land?A terrain-osaurus Rex. |
| 102 |
What do you call a country where everyone loves to sleep?A hiber-nation. |