| 1 |
What do you call an amputee trying to do karate?Partial Arts. |
| 2 |
What if an amputee uses his severed limbs as weapons?Martial parts. |
| 3 |
Don’t you think about it?Most of us are 2 feet away from being a double amputee. |
| 4 |
How is being an Amputee a blessing and a curse?On one hand, you have fingers. On the other hand, you don’t. |
| 5 |
Researchers have found a personality trait common to all people missing a limb from birth, but NOT among amputees.They’re all stubborn. |
| 6 |
Have you ever watched 127 Hours backwards?It’s the uplifting story of an amputee finding an arm in the desert. |
| 7 |
Why couldn’t the amputee rob the bank?Because he was unarmed. |
| 8 |
What happens when you marry an amputee?She single-handedly changes your life. |
| 9 |
An amputee found a cheap artificial arm for sale on Amazon.It was secondhand. |
| 10 |
Which kind of jokes don’t amputees find funny?Knee slappers. |
| 11 |
Why is it hard to lie to an amputee?Because you can’t pull their leg. |
| 12 |
Three dis*bled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert.The three dis*bled guys who are also the only survivors are now stranded and waiting for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get really thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually, they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side, and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr. Independent and insists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side, and lo and behold, he can SEE.Now the guy in the wheelchair’s getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold NEW TIRES! |
| 13 |
On the upside, Oscar Pistorius has had his paralympic classification promoted.He’s gone from T43 (double below knee amputee) all the way up to T800 (The Terminator). |
| 14 |
What does one think when he/she sees an amputee in a gym?“Wonder if they skip on leg day.” |
| 15 |
Did you hear about the man who got thrown out of the amputee club for having all of his limbs?In his opinion that was an unfair dismemberment. |
| 16 |
What do you call someone who sells prosthetics to midgets who are amputees?A small arms dealer. |
| 17 |
Where do amputees go out to eat?IHop. |
| 18 |
Why was the amputee depressed?He was de-feeted. |
| 19 |
What do you call an amputee with a yeast infection?A quarter pounder with cheese |
| 20 |
A blind clown is asked to perform at a children’s hospital. He is led into the amputee ward and begins with some jokes, but not one child laughs.“A song, perhaps,” he thinks. “That’ll cheer ‘em up!” “Ifffffff you’re happy and you know it….” |
| 21 |
Have you heard about this charity event for female amputees?That place is gonna be crawling with chicks. |
| 22 |
Why are leg amputees the most courageous people on earth?Whatever the situation, they never get cold feet. |
| 23 |
An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves.On one hand, they are good for cold weather.On the other, they don’t really help. |
| 24 |
Why amputee p*rn isn’t for everyone?There is just something missing. |
| 25 |
Have you ever phoned the Amputee Hotline?You just got cut-off. |
| 26 |
If an octopus is called an octopus because of its eight limbs, what would you call an octopus with only seven limbs?An amputee. |
| 27 |
What did the deaf, dumb, blind, amputee kid get for Christmas?Cancer. |
| 28 |
Have you heard of the amputee protest that turned into a riot?It was out of hand. |
| 29 |
How do amputees dance the Cha Cha slide?Left foot right stump. |
| 30 |
A man is pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving.The officer comes up to the window and says “Son, I’m going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.”The man says, “I’m sorry, Officer, I can’t do that.”“And why is that?”“Well, you see sir, I’m an asthmatic. Blowing into one of those things would cause me to have an attack.”The officer says, “Okay then. I’m going to need you to take a blood test.”“I’m sorry, sir, I can’t do that either.”“Well, why not?”“I’ve got hemophilia. It’s this disease where when you get cut or something, your blood doesn’t clot and you just bleed and bleed-““I know what it is.” The officer snapped. “Get out here and walk the line, then.”The man shakes his head. “I’m afraid I just can’t do that, sir.”“Why the hell not? Are you an amputee, too?”“Nope. Just drunk.” |
| 31 |
Two thieves walk into an amputee clinic.“Everybody put your hand up!” |
| 32 |
What do you call an amputee that can’t answer riddles?Stumped. |
| 33 |
Did you hear about the amputee who nearly died from an allergic reaction?Apparently he was lack-toes intolerant. |
| 34 |
What do you call a quadruple amputee waiting by your door?Matt. |
| 35 |
What’s an amputee’s favorite toy?Legos. |
| 36 |
Why was the amputee pissed at his friends?They kept making off-hand jokes. |
| 37 |
A quadruple amputee is sitting on a beach crying.A man walks up and asks, “Excuse me, ma’am, why are you crying?“I’ve never been hugged.” He picks her up, hugs her, and walks away.A while later, another man strolls by. He stops and asks, “I’m sorry to bother you, but why are you crying?”“I’ve never been kissed,” she replies. He picks her up, kisses her, and walks away.A few minutes later, yet another man stops to ask why she’s crying.“I’ve never been f*cked.”He picks her up and throws her into the ocean. |
| 38 |
Did you hear about the blind amputee who realized Braille wasn’t for him?He just wasn’t feeling it. But seriously, he was just out of touch. |
| 39 |
Why was a man kicked out of the Amputee ward?He was armed. |
| 40 |
What did the amputee say to his mom when he learned to ride a bike?“Look ma, no hands!” |
| 41 |
Amputee: Doc, how much prosthetic limbs would cost?Doctor: An arm and a leg. |
| 42 |
What do alcoholics and amputees have in common?They are both legless. |
| 43 |
An amputee hadn’t told his fiance about his condition yet.And he kept putting it off. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage.“Honey, I have a confession to make.”“What is it, dear?”Instead of answering, he simply takes his bride’s hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.“Well!” she exclaims, “This is a surprise! But I’ll get the Vaseline and see what I can do.” |
| 44 |
What do you call an amputee from Lord of the Rings?Legoless. |
| 45 |
What do you call an amputee riding a passenger in a two-seater?Sawed-off shotgun. |
| 46 |
What do you call a German amputee?Hans-free. |
| 47 |
What do you call a quad amputee floating in the ocean?Bob. |
| 48 |
What type of coffee does an amputee prefer?Decalf. |
| 49 |
Why did the one-armed man miss his golf game?He forgot his ampuTee Time. |
| 50 |
Why did the one-armed amputee cross the road?To get to the second-hand shop. |
| 51 |
What do you get when a Soviet paraplegic chases an American double-amputee?An arms race. |
| 52 |
How does an amputee m*sturbate?Singlehandedly. |
| 53 |
What’s the best part about going to an amputee strip club?Place is crawling with pu**y. |
| 54 |
Have you heard of the amputee org*es?Apparently, the h*ndjobs are pretty bad. |