| 1 |
What did Roman soldiers say on a Good Friday?“Nailed it!” |
| 2 |
What day does an Easter egg hate the most?Good Fry-day. |
| 3 |
Please don’t make jokes about the crucifixion.Unless you really nail the execution. |
| 4 |
What is the only meat a Catholic Priest is allowed to eat on Good Friday?Nun. |
| 5 |
A little boy was listening to a long and excessively boring liturgy of the passion of Christ in church on Good Friday. Suddenly the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye.Tugging his father’s sleeve, he said, “Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?” |
| 6 |
Remember: No jokes about Jesus on Easter weekend.He’s not the kind of guy you’d want to cross. |
| 7 |
If Jesus knew we called the day he died ‘good Friday’,I bet he’d be cross. |
| 8 |
It’s Good Friday.Good because 2000 years ago the events of today prove that we matter to God. |
| 9 |
How did Little Johnny celebrate Good Friday by honoring Jesus?By doing the same thing he did today and hanging with his Bros. |
| 10 |
Did you hear about the man who got hammered on Good Friday?He woke up in a cave three days later. |
| 11 |
Eino, a Finn from Cook County in northern Minnesota, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.Now, all of Eino’s neighbors were Catholic…..and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Eino, and suggested that Eino convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Eino attended Mass…..and as the priest sprinkled holy water over Eino, he said, “You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are Catholic.”Eino’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Eino’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Eino, he stopped in amazement and watched……There stood Eino, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanting: “You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a trout. |
| 12 |
How did Jesus get across Jerusalem on a busy Friday afternoon?Cross traffic doesn’t stop. |
| 13 |
Why did the blonde start looking for a new job?Her boss texted they would be closed for Good Friday. |
| 14 |
Isn’t it very strange and coincidental about Jesus?That He was born on Christmas Day and died on Good Friday. |
| 15 |
Friend: I would have gone to the party, but it was Good Friday.Another friend: You could have made it a great Friday if you went to the party. |
| 16 |
Why did Jesus look so ripped during Crucification?CrossFit. |
| 17 |
The Sunday school teacher said to her class of 5-year-olds “Easter is coming up this Sunday. Does anyone know the story of Easter?”.One little boy raises his hand. “I do!”The teacher says “OK, could you tell the class what you know?”, but bracing herself for the usual misunderstandings and bad answers.“Jesus was crucified, buried in a cave, and came out of the cave on the third day.”The teacher relaxes a bit, thinking it wasn’t bad for a small child.But the boy continued: “Then he saw his shadow, went back in the cave, and we had six more weeks of winter…” |
| 18 |
What do you say after you tell a really good Good Friday joke?“Nailed it.” |
| 19 |
On Good Friday, Jesus went to have his nails done.The lady doing his nails asked, “What color do you want? Or how about a clear coat?”Jesus replied, “Thanks, but really I just want the rust removed.” |
| 20 |
What’s the difference between Jesus’ crucifixion and a cow?You can’t milk a cow for 2000 years. |
| 21 |
Do you know who would never call today “Good Friday”?Jesus. |
| 22 |
Jesus walks into an inn, hands the innkeeper three nails, and says“Excuse me, but could you put me up for the night?” |
| 23 |
If Jesus was real, what would they call the crucifixion?They would call it crucifact. |
| 24 |
What do you get when you cross two thieves with a carpenter?Good Friday! |
| 25 |
A man walks into a supermarket.He found 20 quid outside the supermarket. As he picked it up, he felt a little guilty because it was Good Friday, and he wondered to himself, “What would Jesus do?”So he turned it into wine. |
| 26 |
Yo mama so fat, the crucifix can’t make it past her fupa. |
| 27 |
Jesus: Hey Dad what did you think of my crucifixion?God the Father: I am very proud of you, you nailed it. |
| 28 |
Pity we can’t have Good Friday, Easter Sunday, Christmas Day, and Holocaust Memorial Day all on the same day.Then we can celebrate all the sh*t that didn’t happen on the same day every year. |
| 29 |
Why do you typically see Jesus wearing little more than a loincloth in depictions of the crucifixion?Because if he were wearing any more he’d be a cross-dresser. Traditionally, Christians don’t approve of that much. |
| 30 |
A man told his Christian friend to “Have a Good Friday.”He didn’t catch his pun.The man was not surprised. Jokes like this usually Pass Over his head. |
| 31 |
Why did the Romans bring bleach to Jesus’s crucifixion?To prevent cross contamination. |
| 32 |
Jesus is on the cross.Mary and Peter are at the foot of the cross, when Jesus looks down, and says, “Peter…I aigfisrianbjna…” Mary turns to Peter, and says, “Peter, we must have the Lord’s last words!” So, Peter climbs up and is at Jesus’ feet, and asks him to repeat what he just said.Jesus mumbles, “Peter…I mwamwamha…” Frustrated, Peter climbs higher to Jesus’s chest, and again ask Jesus to repeat what he said. Again, Jesus tries to speak, “Peter, I mwamwawmwam….”Peter, intent on having Jesus’ last words for posterity, climbs all the way up, presses his ear against Jesus’ mouth, and says, “Please, our Lord and Savior, tell me again what you are trying to say!”Jesus leans in, his lips on Peter’s ear, and whispers, “Peter, I can see your house from here. |
| 33 |
Why doesn’t Jesus like having the image of his crucifixion on church windows?He’s in too much pane. |
| 34 |
What is a person with a crucifixion fetish called?Masochrist. |
| 35 |
What’s the difference between a crucifixion and a circumcision?In a crucifixion you throw away the whole Jew. |
| 36 |
What did one Roman soldier say to his boyfriend Roman soldier on Good Friday?“You hang up first!”“No, you hang up first!”“No, YOU hang up first!!” |
| 37 |
Why weren’t there multiple seasons of crucifixions?People lost interest after the Pilate episode. |
| 38 |
What if the Crucifixion was an Olympic event?Judas would get the silver. |
| 39 |
Easter’s canceled – they’ve found the body.So’s Christmas – they’ve found the father. |
| 40 |
A parishioner was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.He grabbed the parishioner by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” The parishioner replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.” Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Good Friday?” He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.” |
| 41 |
On Good Friday as Jesus looked down from his cross, and spoke out to his disciples.“None of you c#nts touch my chocolate, I’ll be back on Monday.” |
| 42 |
Do you know why Jesus chipped all his teeth?He kept biting his nails. |
| 43 |
Why couldn’t Jesus escape his crucifixion?Because he was King of the Jews, not King of the Jukes. |
| 44 |
God and Jesus were hashing out the final details of his life on earth.“The only thing remaining is to decide upon your mode of death,” said God. “Which do you prefer, crucifixion or killer bees?”Jesus thought about it for a few minutes and said, “I think I will go with crucifixion.”And that’s why Catholics around the world make the sign of the cross instead of running around, swatting themselves furiously and screaming “F*ck! F*ck! F*ck!” |
| 45 |
Why couldn’t Jesus pick up the phone on Good Friday?He’d just had His nails done! |
| 46 |
At the time of Jesus’ crucifixion, he was both holy and holey. |
| 47 |
It’s sad that Americans get more excited about Black Friday than Good Friday.More interested in sales than the greatest gift. |
| 48 |
If Hitler was Jesus, what’d his crucification banner read?Nail polish remover. |
| 49 |
My mother-in-law is getting buried today.Turns out it won’t be Good Friday after all, it will be a great one. |
| 50 |
An Irish priest is driving down to New York for service on Good Friday and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?” “Just water,” says the priest, fingers crossed. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!” |
| 51 |
Why did Jesus die on the cross?He forgot the safe word. |